It's Monday morning and the anxiety is building...

It is Monday morning and the anxiety is building as I ride into work. I only managed to get a couple of hours sleep last night as I spent most of the night wide awake worrying about it. How am I going to get out of this? I’ve been racking my brain all night and still haven’t come up with an answer. I can’t ring in sick again; I did that last Monday and I’ve got virtually no sick leave left. The day or two I do have left, I need to save in case of really big one.


As a child, I knew there was something wrong but I was always told by my parents, “It’s normal to get nervous at times.” I was never able to convey just how nervous I got. Speaking in front of class was the worst. Terrified of an upcoming class talk, I once remember asking my older brother for help. The advice he gave me was “you can’t be good at everything.” In a way, he was right and his advice provided a tiny bit of relief at the time. I was a bright student and did well in most subjects. English was an exception and having to give a speech would have me agonising over it for the days leading up to it. I knew I was the worst in the class at giving speeches. I worked harder on my speeches than anything else, because I did not want to look foolish in front of everyone. My heart was pounding, my voice quivering, pools of sweat were collecting and my hands were shaking so bad I was having trouble reading my notes. My mates gave me a serve afterwards but they stopped and laughed when I confidently replied, “Ahh, well, you can’t be good at everything!”

Fast forward ten years.

The older I get the more anxious I become. I’m twenty-five and can’t get a job and can’t get a girlfriend. The fear of being interviewed, and the fear of even just ringing a girl I like, is more than enough to ensure I never attempt either. The anxiety closes in on the other side too though, “what if I’m thirty and still don’t have a job? What if I’m thirty and still don’t have a girlfriend?” I know the anxiety of NOT doing anything at 30 is going to be even more than not doing anything at 25. Knowing that no-one is going to want to go out with an unemployed loser, I decide to do absolutely everything I can to get a job.”


I remember talking to my father on the phone the night before I was to be interviewed. To this day, I remember his exact words at the end of our conversation. “I believe in you son,” set a ripple through my body which I believe profoundly affected the outcome of the interview the following day.

I had prepared extremely thoroughly but was still petrified. At the security desk my hands were shaking violently as I tried to hold the pen steady enough to write my name. It was barely legible. I never calmed down at all and shook throughout the entire interview, though slightly less towards the end. My voice quivered and croaked and although I clearly needed some water I refused it when offered. I was shaking so badly there was no chance of any of that water going anywhere near my lips if I picked up the glass. I don’t know how, or what it was I said that convinced them, but they offered me a position.

Fast forward to Monday morning again. What’s that thing they’ve asked me at work to do that’s causing me so much anxiety? Make a phone call. Nothing complicated, just have to ring someone and make a simple everyday phone call. It’s been six years since my first full-blown panic attack. I say full-blown because looking back I realised that I’d had less severe ones up until then but hadn’t really known what they were. It wasn’t until after this one that I learnt what a panic attack was.

I was already under a lot of pressure, as was our whole team to meet an unrealistic deadline. I’d finished a piece of work early and my boss then asked me to arrange for a computer graphic to be created. Immediately I started to worry. I took a quick sideways glance at the phone and back again. I started to come up with excuses, and that someone else would be better to do it. But everyone else was still flat out and I didn’t have to do the work myself. All I had to do was make a simple phone call and tell someone else what we needed.

In the past, I had put off making phone calls at work for days, sometimes weeks. I would come up with elaborate plans to avoid making the call. Sometimes it was as simple as going to see them in person if they only worked a few floors away. Sometimes I would have to make five or six trips before I could catch them in.

One time I had to ring a guy that I would sometimes see on the bus on the way to work. He was a genuinely nice guy. Could I ring him though? No chance – not with all those people in the open plan office listening. His building was too far away from mine for me to go visit unannounced. So what did I do? It took about a week or more before I saw him on the bus again, but when I did, I arranged what I had to with him as we walked from the bus stop into work.

One time I even rang a colleague from home at 9.05 am. I then raced into work. Since I was home alone, I was able to get through the call with only minor anxiety. Unfortunately he called me back about ten or fifteen minutes later and was more than a little surprised when he was told that I hadn’t come in to work yet!


The purpose of this site.

The purpose of this blog is to reassure sufferers that they are not alone and that this condition can be treated. This blog will be a record of my progress and what has worked for me. This is a topic that I have become quite knowledgeable about over the years and I hope to share this knowledge with those who are now looking for answers.


Fast forward back to Monday again. Are you wondering yet? Did I make that call? I almost did a couple of times during the day, but sadly, no, I chickened out. One time I was getting ready to make the call and then my boss would come back. Can’t ring with him sitting there. Later, I’d be about to ring but then I would suddenly become aware of how quiet the room was. Can’t do it then, everyone in the office would hear. If I don’t ring soon though, I won’t have the information I need and so I wont get my work done. If I don’t get my work done I don’t want to even think about what will happen in our weekly team meeting when I have to talk about what I’ve been doing for the last week!

Actually I’ve got a few calls to make that I’ve been putting off for a couple of weeks now. One I’ve gotten out of, because someone else has done the work. I feel bad about that because it’s something I should have done, but it beats having a panic attack in front of an office of twenty people any day. One down, two to go. I’ll have to do them tomorrow. I don’t think I’m going to sleep very well tonight.